The Most Unhelpful Things to Say to a New Parent

“Sleep when the baby sleeps” has got to be the worst. At lease it was for me. I heard someone say recently that they also cook when the baby cooks, shower when the baby showers, and care for their other kids when the baby does. This sarcasm was the perfect response to the age-old advice.

Sleeping when the baby sleeps just isn’t practical. Have you met a baby? Their sleep patterns are bonkers. And if you have other children to care for this advice goes straight in the trash. But practicality aside, there is something else wrong with this and other advice we get as new parents - we don’t feel truly seen.

Let’s take another favorite of mine. It goes something like, “The baby can sense your nerves. You need to calm down so the baby is calm.” Now, I’m all about the benefits of co-regulation. But at best, this advice is irritating. At worst, it can bring up feelings of shame and blame for the parent. And when we desperately want to be great parents, it’s gutting to hear that not only are we not helping our child, but we may be the cause of their distress.

To be seen though sounds different. It sounds something like:

“This is so hard. Do you want me to help so you can rest, or sit with you right now?”

“You must swamped. What are the best days for me to come over? I can do laundry for you and we can chat!”

“You are amazing. Holding a crying baby is tough and everything you’re doing right now is enough.”

Because more than advice, when things are hard, we just don’t want to be alone. And while the unsolicited advice may be well intentioned, it can feel like someone is telling us how to fix something. As if something is broken. As if we’re broken? Or our child is broken? We need understanding and compassion. This is what carries us through.

So if you haven’t heard it lately, or if you need to hear it again:

You are amazing. You are enough. I would love to sit with you and chat.

xoxo

-Rachael