There are No Rules - Only How You Make Your Children Feel

When you start spending time with parenting material, it’s easy to start to think you’re doing it wrong. In any given day I can tally my “missteps” :

• I praised the product and not the process - shoot!

• I just told my kid they are “so smart” - darnit!

• I just shouted, “NO!” to my daughter who swatted her little brother - Ah! Too harsh!?

But here’s the thing, parenting in a way that builds a secure and safe attachment with our children isn’t boiled down to a do’s and don’ts list of the things we say. What truly matters is how our children experience us. It’s about how we make them feel during our interactions.

So let’s take another look at the list above and let me show why I’m probably going to still say all of those things, but the love is in the experience of the details.

• I praised the product and not the process - when my son showed me his new piece of art work, I kneeled down to his level. I gently took the work into my hands and looked at it in awe. I made eye contact with him and smiled and told him, “Wow! How beautiful. I love this so much, buddy.” He beamed.

• I just told my kid they were “so smart” - when my daughter (who has struggled in literacy this year) read a menu description to me I took her hand. I said, “Fabulous reading. Your brain is doing everything it needs to. Darling, you ARE so smart.”

• I just shouted “NO!” to my daughter who swatted her little brother - I’m direct and unwavering when a safety boundary is crossed. Once everyone was safe, I comforted my son who was hurt. Then I spent time with my daughter to understand what had happened for her and talk through ways to respond differently next time. She heard me say, “You are a great kid. We all make mistakes when we’re learning. I’m going to help with this.”

So let’s focus on the big picture of how our children experience us. THAT is what your kids will remember and THAT gives us some more wiggle room around all these “rules.”

xoxo

-Rachael